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Dearest Aunt Sarz,
I am a beginner and am really worried that my magical tools aren't up to scratch. I don't think I can raise much power when I am only using a twig and a butter knife? But I don't want to spend a lot when I'm not sure that I will stick at it. What do you think?
I am asked this question all the time by those new to the Craft. In fact I was only saying to my dear friend Julian the other evening, when we were enjoying a small absinthe in the select bar of 'The Shogoth And Firkin' that, whilst a coffee mug would suffice as a chalice one would always prefer a five hundred year old skull looted from a Tibetan temple by an attractive Neophyte, clad only in a Tau robe; dark eyes glinting in the sunlight, his hair tousled from his exertions and a faint, triumphant smile playing on his lips ......ah, memories. So aspire, dear, aspire!
Lady Sarz Asquith-Agrinn
Dear Aunty Sarz,
I have been hearing a great deal recently about Celtic Feng Shui which, I gather is absolutely essential for a spiritually enhanced life. Unfortunately, I know very little about it. Can you give me some enlightenment?
Dear Curry Chin,
This is a relatively modern concept and so, I am not altogether au fait with the details but having done a modicum of scrying, meditation and consultation of the Spirits and Daemons on the subject, it would appear to entail the maximizing of Chi by the appropriate and propitious placing of the preserved heads of one's enemies about the room.
Yours from a higher plane
Dear Aunty Sazz,
I was deflowering a virgin last week when I overexerted myself and pulled a muscle in my lower back. I had to stop and the young lady in question was understandably dissappointed. As it happens she berated me quite vigourously suggesting I was "half the Warlock of her last deflowerer". It was then that the alarm bells started ringing. "Hang on a minute love", I grimaced, still in considerable pain and clutching my back, "What do you mean your last deflowerer?" It soon transpired that this girl was something of a satanic ritual groupie and had been "deflowered", and I quote, "more than 20 times but definitely less than 30." She added the last bit as if that was supposed to reassure me. As you can imagine I was aghast at this revelation and soon began to question my ex-deflowerings. I rang a few of them up and sure enough a common and disturbing theme began to emerge: none of them had been bona fide virgins! In fact a woman I deflowered about 6 months ago, who had assured me her 4 year old child had been the product of immaculate conception, was currently involved in a custody battle with one of my best mates! I now feel humiliated that I was the last to know. Not to mention the loss of dark power accumulated through 19 so- called deflowerings. I've tried hanging about Catholic girls schools but friends have suggested this is taking naivete to a new level. And besides there have been a few threats of legal action. Do good old-fashioned satanic values mean nothing nowadays?
Name and Dream Address with-held
Dear Mr. Louis Christoff Furr of Mire Cottage, Little Muckington, Pants., YA66 6OZ
Sadly, this is a common problem these days. When I was a gel, young ladies saved themselves until called upon by their high priest - or the local squire - to do their duty. Now, unfortunately with declining spiritual values and modern, new world methods, they can become born-again virgins again and again. Thus degrading any possible benefit that you might accrue. As a woman on the Triple Goddess roundabout approaching the third exit, I am appalled at the lack of realisation that these young women have of the damage they are doing to obviously nice young men like yourself and also how little they appreciate the sacrifices you make of them - er for them. I can only suggest that you advertise but state quite explicitly that you will want to see medical certification. If you would like to contact me again privately, I may have one or two more suggestions.
Dear Auntie Sazz,
I'm going to a handfasting in Scotland at Winter Solstice and I haven't a thing to wear. What shall I do?
Eustace J. Pegg
Dear Auntie Sazz,
My wand is very small. What shall I do?
Stop going to handfastings in Scotland in the Winter.
All the best
Dear Aunty Sazz: I'm a Gemini with Mercury in Capricorn and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Help
Dear Ms. Rennick,
As with the non-euclidean lines shown by the refraction of the stone of the wise through the pentagramatic faces of the trans-platonic current inherant in the concept of the Aeon of Zayin( The Mercurial Twin Forces), the redistribution across the Abyss via the 28th path of the trigrammatic inception of the word of the future Aeon of the space between the letters shown as a single glint of light in the forthcoming Aeon of the Goat(Capricorn) is in evidence.
Hope this helps.
Dear Auntie Sazz:
Presumably the Aeon of the Goat would be the Aeon of Ayin. Thus, the impetus should be from the Aeon of Zayin to the Aeon of Ayin, contra-wise to the normal flow of things which would be from Ayin to Zayin. That, you never want to do, as you could have your eye out with that sword.
Love Skitzov Rennick
Dear Sir Skitzov,
You are quite correct. Also one must take care not to continually repeat this backwards or you will sink in up to your navel (see Gerschom Scholem for details)
Dear Aunti Sazz,
My lifetime's research into the more arcane and esoteric aspects of the Occult World has recently lead me to the darker side and particularly to the study of the mystical significance of flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?
D. Sturbed (Mr.)
Whilst I am in favour of research and study - in fact as I keep saying to the neophytes, "Read dears, read!"- I do feel that you may have wandered from The Path a little or should I say galloped?
Dear Auntie Saz:
I am the High Priest
of a seventh generation Hereditary coven. My High
Which is it? It's "over", right?
Oswald C. Stock Esq.
Ah, now this is a very
serious question. I, myself, have been engaged in this debate
Yours in disbelief at
the uppitiness of the Left Wing
Deer Anty Sars,
"See yur Magic Cloaks?
Dae thay tell the right time?"
Young man; I think that you need to direct this enquiry to the department that deals with the base, commercial side of things with which I do not trouble myself.
Dearest Auntie Sarz
Do you think a Four Season's Pizza would make a good offering to the Guardian Spirits of the Quarters? If so, could you recommend a reliable pizza parlour that would deliver said pizza to the circle of one's choice, at the appropriate moment, before it gets cold?
Yours in Knead of Advice
Steven Wenceslas (Deep Pan, Crisp & Even)
What a truly excellent idea, providing you make sure to divide it equally - favouritism is frowned upon. I would, however, recommend that you make the Pizza yourself rather than give your custom to those establishments whose offerings resemble something that has just been used to scour a porridge pot, has the consistency of a sun-dried cowpat and whose only realistic use is to fill those interesting cracks in the patio paving.
Yours as ever
Dear Arunty Sarz,
As I live in a country whose usual night sky is cloud coloured and I have nae mates to inform me of when exactly the full moon is, I usually find that I keep missing it by anything up to three and a half days. This, as you can understand, can make my Esbats more than just a little erratic, not to mention, it really naffs off the Lord and Lady ( have you ever tried standing up Diana?) Can you help?
Friday Afternoon Esq.
Dear Mr. Tuesday Morning,
Oh my ears and whiskers! May I suggest the little-known rite of Time-Folding to be found in my latest book ' Not Now Dearie, I've Got A Herbalist.' price £24.50 or ten to one in the morning. With this you can go back to the correct time for the ritual and as an added bonus perform some Magickal Origami and make a very nice nodding penguin out of the seventeenth century.
zzaS ytnuA ,spleh siht epoH
although i've only been actively in the craft for the past 3 years or so, i keep finding myself in the position of having new people, finding wicca for the first time, asking me for advice. I've known too many folk in the local community who are barking and have really messed folk up in the past through pretending to be more experienced and talented than they really are. how can i still help these newbies out without turning into a local super-ego? i don't know all about babylonian tablets and temporal time-folding or floating pencils, i only know what i've read and experienced and when something feels right. please advise. anxious anti-hero
Your position is understandable. Being constantly sought for the benefit of one's wisdom can over-inflate the ego to undesirable proportions. However, you are already doing the right thing by appealing to a higher authority. If you wish to continue giving advice, whilst at the same time holding your ego in check, continue as you are doing now and seek the impeccably erudite and wise counsel of the experienced Auntie Sazz who, as everyone knows, suffers no such ego problems.
Your humble benefactress
Oh Aunty Sazz, Eye need ewer help baldy eye am bothe a which and a teacher and eye kan't spell, add two taht eye am feert of hites, eye kan't ewes my broom stick, O and what a panic is in my breastie whenever eye happen up on a black cat.
ewers in desparationess
I do not think that you have any problem at all with your spelling. You are clearly communicating in Old Scots unless, of course, you come from Wales ( lots of ewes, I notice.). At most you are probably chronologically challenged and that has never been much of a problem for a witch. As to your altitudinal troubles perhaps being earth-bound is not too much of a difficulty as Gnomes need friends too. Although you may want to try some P.L.R. to make sure that you were not Lucifer in a previous. Finally - black cats - who needs them - totally over-rated. In my opinion there are not enough witches with Rottweiler familiars.
Dear Auntie Sazz,
Is there anything I can do about the worsening state of public transport? I am constantly waiting for the No.13 Besom to arrive. I am always late for Sabbats and now my coven has given me my first written warning. One more and I am the next sacrifice.
Dear Mabel Middlewallop,
I think that it is time that you came into the 21st century and considered upgrading your transport server to the Dyson Co. Much faster and more reliable. Or you could consider taking flying lessons and perhaps purchasing your own little runabout (available at The Wyrd Shop - 8.99). You'll soon get the hang of parallel brooming, left-hand reverse sweeps and up-hill brushes. Who knows - one day you could even make the formation team.
Dear Aunty Sarz
I have a problem, I don't know if you're getting this through email or telepathically&
My monitor has just stopped working so I'm typing to a blank screen.
I think it could be evil
doings; my screen has gone black, if it was a white witch doing this
I wonder if I've spelt this lot correctly&I'm so worried, maybe I've spelt something wrong.
Can you fix the screen so I can read your reply?
Email and telepathy transmission finished.
Stone Toad Arthur
Dear Stoned Toad,
Dear Aunty Sarz,
Gidday! I am a witch from down-under and my coven has some problems with this wicca stuff.
1. When we do the mid-summer ritual
in June it is damn cold here! We
2. When we tried to thank Diana for
a bounteous season at Mabon (around
3. We don't have Oak trees.
4. There is no snow.
5. Calling fire in the south seems stupid
because the next landmass
6. All the stuff keeps falling off the altars and flying into space....
Also, I have a cousin in Cairns who is confused coz the sun is at its highest in the sky twice a year....on its way down to the Tropic of Capricorn and once on its way back. Which one is the real Summer Solstice? What do they do with the other one?
Pleez help us mate!
Dear Colonial Cousin,
Despite the fact that I cannot recall ever taking an Antipodean as a mate nor indulging in the strange practice to which you refer in your parting admonition, my memory is not what it was and I shall, therefore, assume an aquaintance with you. My advice is as follows:-
1. Do what all Scottish Practitioners do for their Summer Rituals - wear long woollen underwear, two sweaters and a pair of thick socks.
2. Well, what do you expect, dear? Just because you have chosen to live in some desolate sandbox beyond the limits of the World Serpent, one can hardly expect a civilised Deity like Diana to go trotting after you. Especially as a couple of Gum trees and a dried up river bed scarcely has the charm of a Pine grove and a bubbling spring in the mountains of Arcady. My advice to you would be to stop bothering decent Gods with all this nonsense of spherical planet and a heliocentric cosmology and find some unemployed local Godling with nothing better to do than continually answer his Primum Mobile.
3.Neither do we, anymore. I suggest a Bonsai from you local Garden Centre.
4. I shall be sending you snow parcels on a regular basis.
5. Given the recent collapse of the Ross Ice Shelf, please stop calling fire in the South. Find some other direction - there are plenty to choose from.
6. I suggest a large hairnet.
7. If your Sun cannot make up its mind where it wants to be and insists on bobbing up and down on the horizon, perhaps your relation should think of moving Northwards to somewhere with a less indecisive Sun.
Trusting that the prison food has improved, I remain
Dear Auntie Sazz,
Your friend's recipe seems perfectly acceptable to me although, of course, the Alum powder is optional; its only use being for the drawing in of the cheeks into a suitably Gothic, emaciated visage. I think that you may have misunderstood the suppositorial aspect, however, as this ointment should be rubbed onto the handle of the broomstick.
I am writing to you in the hope that you can help me with a bit of a conundrum what I have. My name is Commander Sergeant Major Friggis McColdass (Rtd.) I have been stationed in this barrack for manies a long year with nothing for company save a Polar Bear named Maurice and a copy of Doreen Valiente's 'Witchcraft For Tomorrow.' What my problem is being is this, I am very willing. I would also like to try this Wicca. Here is the conundrum what I am having. Any way I face is South. One wrong wiggle of my wand and the whole of the Polar Icecap will melt. Maurice is also very concerned about this also, as well. What do I do?
CSM FJK McColdass, R.A.F. BFPO 1753, Uppley, North Pole.
Please advise your friend not to. STOP Flying out tomorrow STOP I have informed the authorities STOP Pro Temp advice is STOP STOP
Major J.F.C. Fuller's Auntie Sarz
Dear Aunty Sazz,
I have been a witch (of the white variety) since I was 2 3/4 years old and cast my first spell while still in the womb. I have great power within me which I have harnessed only for good. I would like your advice on a matter which is causing me great concern. I was browsing my local occult book store (I don't usually bother as I know how to use the great power that is within me) only to discover, to my horror, that a number of the books just weren't Wicca. All these young minds exposed to bad evil nasty darkness and not a redeeming dolphin in sight! I have launched my one-witch non-violent protest (with placard) but to no avail. What am I to do to save the youth of today from this black witchery?
Troubled in Torquay
I sympathise with your problem as I, myself, have just written a book on this very subject entitled “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Wicca”. This takes you through the Nu-Wicca ritual year.(Well, six months actually, it’s far too dark and scary between Samhain, which is not a very nice thingy anyway, and Imbolc, which, being the worship of the little bouncy lambs of the Fluffy Goddess, is more than acceptable.) Of course Beltaine is not included in the Nu-Wicca Rituals on account of its advocation of pre-marital rudeness.
Its chapters include lessons on the promulgation of the Church of the Nu-Wiccan, such as “Why Curses Are Naughty - And Why Slander And Insinuation Work Better.”; “Dogma - Why Should The X-Tians Have The Last Word?”; “Why Anything That Isn’t White, Isn’t Right.”; “Magick - An Outmoded Superstition In Modern Day Wicca.”; “Why Charging An Arm And A Leg For Unwanted Tarot Readings Isn’t Wrong.”; “Why Anything That Is Secret Must Be Perceived To Be Wrong.” and “Why Adopting Unearned, Unwarranted And Unnecessary Titles Such As ‘King Of Twenty-Seven International Covens’ Is Important For Maintaining One’s Ego.”;
I shall be following this shortly with a sequel, “Wicca Light - Wicca with all those nasty Carbo-hydras taken out.”
So, my dear T.I.T., I feel that the best way for you to save the impressionable young people, who may fall into the hands of real witches.....ooops! I mean evil, black witches, is to buy at least thirty copies of my book and distribute them door-to-door with the words, “Hi, sorry to bother you but could you spare a moment for ........” and fill in a list of at least nine Goddess names that you can remember. After all, aren’t all the Goddesses just the same? Copies of my book can be purchased from all the familiar outlets for this type of thing, priced £103 along with my previous titles, “ Dolphin Bothering For Beginners.” and “Crystals For Every Orifice.”
Yours luminescently Sapphire McGlumphie (Ms.) Per Pro Auntie Sarz (who is having a little lie down in a darkened room at the moment.)
Dear Aunty Sazz,
After a particularly vigorous invocation of Maob, I find that I have a nasty grease mark on my altar cloth. I have tried rubbing and rubbing but it won't come off. Can you help?
Your Obedient Servant
Dear Mr. Shouldnt,
I have found that a nice mixture of bat's blood and pineapple juice sorts out most stains. Admittedly it tends to annoy the bats and does nothing for human /pineapple relationships but we all have to make little sacrifices. May I also suggest that instead of expending so much energy and elbow grease, you should, perhaps, stop listening to so many Sting albums in future.
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